WINNING WAYS – Insights for Constructive Living
by PAT IANNUZZI
Have you ever had a conversation with someone who avoided making eye contact with you? How did you feel about that interaction? What vibes did you get from the other person?
Chances are you probably didn’t perceive him or her to be very confident, secure or interested in what you had to say. Generally speaking, eye contact in interpersonal communication is associated with self-assurance, believability and interest. Lack of eye contact is often interpreted as sign of insincerity, insecurity or disinterest.
There’s really no way to take eye contact out of the equation when communicating face to face whether it be with another individual, a group or a large audience. Unlike words, eye contact involves simultaneous communication that is always in play, both when we are speaking and when we are listening. Making effective eye contact with others can significantly increase our persuasiveness. Being able to look people in the eye and hold their gaze can help us develop relationships, land a job, make a moving speech and even intimidate adversaries
We have probably all heard the old expression, “The eyes are the window to the soul.” While this may not literally be true, our eyes do reveal a great deal about what we’re really thinking and feeling. Also, consider all the eye-related maxims used in everyday conversations. We’re wary of “shifty eyes,” and afraid of getting the “evil eye.” We’re attracted to people who have “kind eyes” and eyes that sparkle, glow, or twinkle, while we’re usually repelled by those who are “dead behind the eyes.” When someone is eager and lively, we say they’re “bright-eyed,” and when we refer to someone who appears bored, we often describe their eyes as being “glazed over.”
That we give so much weight to the idea that we can tell a lot about another person from what’s in their eyes is due to the fact that even when we try to hide our thoughts and emotions from others, they’re often still subconsciously revealed in our eyes. This explains why poker players often wear sunglasses in order to disguise their reactions to the hands they’re dealt.
The ability to maintain appropriate eye contact with someone is an especially powerful tool for demonstrating active listening. Breaking our gaze during a conversation can convey that we’re really not interested in hearing what another person has to say, while maintaining appropriate eye contact demonstrates that we’re tuned in, and that sends the message that we’re also personally interested in them. Effective eye contact provides an important form of personal acknowledgment that is key to developing rapport. Despite the fact that we’re more electronically connected than ever, many people are hungry for face-to-face interactions and for someone to actively listen to them.
While it’s important to maintain eye contact, it can become a bit uncomfortable for the other person if you stare intensely at them. Therefore, try to break eye contact every 5 seconds or so. Don’t simply look away as this might indicate disinterest. Instead, look up or to the side as if you are trying to remember something. You may want to use a technique called the “triangle” which involves looking at one of the other person’s eyes for about 5 seconds, looking at the other eye for 5 seconds and then looking at the person’s mouth for 5 seconds and repeating the process. This method, coupled with other listening signals such as nodding, using occasional agreement words such as “yes,” “uh-huh,” “hmm” and so on is a great way to keep the speaker talking and to show him or her that you are interested in what they’re saying.
For an excellent book on the importance of effective eye contact, check out “The Power of Eye Contact” by Michael Ellsberg.
Pat Iannuzzi of Symbiont Performance Group, Inc. is a performance consultant, trainer and coach focusing on selling, presentation and interpersonal skills. He lives in Litchfield and can be reached at 860-283-9963 or piannuzzi@symbiontnet.com.
