#MIDDLEBURY
By Mark Vasto
With everyone racking their brains about the perceived problem of shrinking NFL TV ratings, we now get to shift our focus to the flawed NCAA playoff rankings. But why stop there? There are plenty of things in the sporting world that need to be addressed. Here are a few I will toss out there:
- Tim Tebow needs to try out for every major sport. This is a no-brainer. Everyone knows that Tim Tebow is a superior athlete and a virtuous Christian. That is why he must always be set up for martyrdom, so we can talk about how teams don’t understand the righteous talent they are sitting on. It doesn’t matter that he’s only hitting .149 for the Mets’ fall instructional league team, he probably sells more jerseys than most of the Mets big-league players combined. Surely he could be a center on the Blue Jacket’s checking line, or a power forward for the Brooklyn Nets. It might hurt to watch, but that means it’s working.
- Every NFL team has to wear black (or pink). Studies show that teams wearing black are more aggressive. That study, no doubt commissioned by the circa 1970s tangerine-orange mustachioed Tampa Bay Buccaneer, has taken hold of the league because black keeps creeping into color schemes. The only exception can be made for the Eagles, but only if they switch their color back to Kelly Green. Philadelphians shouldn’t be made to wear Forest Green, sorry.
- Nick Saban needs to trash every other team’s offensive scheme at press conferences, then destroy that team by mastering the offensive scheme he just trashed. It started with the run option, but something tells me that Saban would win if he ran nothing but wildcats or fake punts on every first down. This is a good thing, because Saban’s idea of a perfect game would be Alabama scoring every quarter and beating LSU 8-0, all safeties.
- Pete Rose and Alex Rodriguez need to do postgame analysis for every baseball game. When A-Rod isn’t name-checking Andy Pettite (which almost never happens) or using multi-syllabic words, Pete Rose is there to make fun of him or tease him about Derek Jeter’s inspiring play. The matchup of those two plus Frank Thomas is a thing of beauty. You can just picture a bunch of drunken FOX execs coming up with the idea … “No! Wait! Pete Rose has to wear a bow-tie!” then still going with the idea the next morning.
- The Cubs needed to lose the World Series. The world needed the Cubbies to lose. They were the last team clinically proven to break hearts. Look at what happened to Red Sox fans. They used to be the quirky losers, now they’re just obnoxious without the charm (Fenway Park notwithstanding). Look at how miserable hockey fans are having been robbed of the joy that was chanting “1940” to Ranger fans. Oh well, Wrigley Field is still only place where singing “take me out to the ballgame” in the vocal style of Daffy Duck can be considered cool (but only when Bill Murray does it).
Mark Vasto is a veteran sportswriter who lives in New Jersey.
(c) 2016 King Features Synd. Inc.
