#Middlebury
Insights for Constructive Living
by Pat Iannuzzi
There is a gift everyone appreciates getting yet costs nothing to give – the gift of listening. Most of us instinctively understand the gift of listening because deep down we appreciate how good it feels when others genuinely listen to us. We feel good because sincere listening implies that another person values and cares for us enough to take a few moments to simply hear us out as we are trying to share a particular personal experience, describe a circumstance, or vent about something concerning us.
We all have a natural desire to be listened to. Unfortunately, when talking with others, we often forget about giving this wonderful gift and instead focus almost exclusively on what we have to say rather than on listening effectively to our conversation partner.
We tend to concentrate on delivering messages more than on receiving them, or if we do demonstrate the patience to actually hear and internalize what others are saying, we rarely respond in a manner that shows appropriate interest. When we are not listened to, we’re inclined to feel diminished and disrespected. Effective listening skills, therefore, contribute to the development of rapport while ineffective skills often create barriers to mutual understanding and appreciation
We all probably have experienced situations in which we were relating a story or circumstance and were clearly aware that the person with whom we were talking, instead of concentrating on what we were saying, was simply waiting for their opportunity to chime in to relate an incident that happened to them that, in their opinion, was even more unusual or noteworthy.
Even more annoying are people who interrupt us and change the topic of discussion completely. We know how that feels, and none of us should ever want to be the person doing it.
We can tell if someone is sincerely listening, pretending to be listening, or not listening at all by the behavior and body language they exhibit. The same applies to others about us. Basic elements of good listening skills include sitting still, maintaining good eye contact, letting the person speak without interruption, and using listening body language such as leaning forward, reflecting, and nodding.
Additionally, effective listeners demonstrate attentiveness by asking clarifying questions, using gestures and facial expressions to convey interest and emotion, and by employing body language to indicate agreement or disagreement. A good listener also is attentive to a speaker’s nonverbal cues such as facial expressions and posture so as to derive the full essence of what a speaker is communicating.
When these signs are absent, a speaker may get the feeling that the person he or she is talking with is not paying attention and doesn’t care much about what the speaker has to say. A speaker can quickly get the impression the hearer isn’t really concerned with what he or she thinks or feels and may conclude that the other person is inconsiderate, insensitive, and uncaring, none of which are personal qualities that contribute to generating camaraderie and cooperation.
Often the simple act (gift) of genuine listening in itself can provide comfort, support, and solace to another experiencing distress or difficulty. Give the gift of listening as often as you can. It’s free, and you also will benefit from giving it.
Pat Iannuzzi of Symbiont Performance Group, Inc. is a performance consultant, trainer and coach focusing on selling, presentation and interpersonal skills. He lives in Litchfield and can be reached at 860-283-9963 or piannuzzi@symbiontnet.com.
