#Middlebury #Communication
Insights for Constructive Living
by PAT IANNUZZI
Have you ever had the experience where you just seemed to click with another person, forming an almost instant rapport with them? I think we all can probably think of occasions in which we easily and immediately connected during a conversation. We likely also can recall times when we just didn’t hit it off with someone. The thing is that these kinds of situations seem to happen fairly quickly, and we usually don’t have a clue as to why they turn out the way they do. It all seems to take place on a subconscious level.
Psychologists tell us we all have intrinsic desires to communicate with others in specific ways. In other words, each of us deep down has a certain basic preference for how we like to interact with others – for how we like to give and receive information. We can call this preference a “social style.”
We tend to adopt our particular social style because it makes us feel comfortable, so when we encounter another who demonstrates the same social style, bingo, rapport develops. If we interact with someone with a significantly different style, uneasiness or discomfort can quickly set in. It becomes like oil and water, so to speak. We can describe the development of social styles along two distinct dimensions: the way we like to assert and receive ideas, and the degree of emotion we like to share.
Asserting Ideas. Some people like to state their thoughts in a forceful, direct manner. They aren’t the least hesitant to tell you what they think. Such people usually maintain strong eye contact and use powerful gestures. They also tend to speak faster and more loudly, for example, “This is the only way you must do this!”
On the other extreme we find people who are more suggestive and hesitant in expressing their ideas. They employ less direct eye contact and minimal, if any, gestures. They prefer to speak more slowly and softly, for example. “What do you think about possibly trying this approach?”
Displaying Emotions. Again there are two extremes to this dimension. On the one hand are those who enjoy an open expression of emotions. They like to use a lot of facial expression to convey how they feel. They tend to verbally share their emotions and welcome the expression of the emotions of others. They enjoy touch and physical contact.
Others are the direct opposite. They are not comfortable sharing emotions. They use almost no facial expression or words to telegraph what they are feeling. They do not display warmth or engage in much physical contact. They are simply more comfortable interacting this way.
The key point is that regardless of whether we are focusing on asserting ideas or displaying emotions, people tend to be attracted to others who are more like them (rapport) and repelled by those who are opposite from them (tension).
While it is true that most people lie somewhere along the parameters of both social style dimensions, many do exhibit the extremes, and with a little observation and study, we can usually learn to spot them. By doing a little self-analysis, we can also get a pretty good idea of where we fall as well. We can usually figure out at least one of the dimensions of others, and by adjusting our own behavior – often only slightly – to be more like them, we can possibly make a significant improvement on our interpersonal success.
Pat Iannuzzi of Symbiont Performance Group, Inc. is a performance consultant, trainer and coach focusing on selling, presentation and interpersonal skills. He lives in Litchfield and can be reached at 860-283-9963 or piannuzzi@symbiontnet.com.
