#Middlebury #Happy
Insights for Constructive Living
By PAT IANNUZZI
Some adhere to the philosophy that you can’t make someone else happy unless you are happy yourself. “You can’t give what you don’t have,” they say. According to this point of view, if you’re not a happy person, there is little chance you can help someone else find happiness.
Certainly if a person is miserable, they will probably have little capacity to focus on cheering up others or behaving in an uplifting, kind or thoughtful manner toward them. But I would suggest that most of us are not chronically unhappy, and for us, the process can also work the other way around: to be happy, make others happy.
A major element of America’s founding had to do with the “pursuit of happiness.” This idea usually manifests in our seeking out people, circumstances and possessions that we feel will make our lives more emotionally satisfying, intellectually meaningful and materially pleasurable, in other words, happy. But there is evidence – as well as a lot of plain common sense – that doing nice things for others can be as effective or even more effective in generating our own personal happiness than doing nice things for ourselves. No one can make someone else happy if they don’t want to be, but it certainly is possible to influence others’ mindsets by our behavior toward them so as to improve their chances of experiencing happiness.
In a recent study, college students were asked to take a standard happiness questionnaire. Then they were divided into two groups. One was told to so something nice for other people and the other was directed to do something nice for themselves. Later in the day, after doing their tasks, participants reported what they did and then filled out the happiness questionnaires again.
Those who had done something to make another person feel better were found to be much happier themselves than participants who did something to attempt to make themselves happier. The increased level of happiness in those that focused on another person was attributed to a stronger feeling of connection to the other person.
Connection with others (among us non-sociopaths anyway) is a profound source of personal happiness. Some of the ways we develop connection are through the affection, respect and appreciation we share with others. These are fundamental, deep-seated needs that we often are not even conscious of. It feels good when people like and admire us.
Seeing others happy can make us feel more positive about ourselves and proud, knowing that we have made someone else’s day a little bit better. It gives us a sense of accomplishment and purpose and can go a long in helping to offset the frustration, disappointments and sadness we all encounter in our daily lives.
Consciously behaving in ways to make other people happy is a wonderful strategy because it gives back to us many fold. Making others happy can have a powerful reciprocal effect. It creates a natural tendency for others to want to do things to contribute to our happiness. It can become contagious.
But you must take the initiative. Rather than thinking “you can’t give what you don’t have,” think “you cannot expect to receive what you are not willing to give.” Those you interact with will pick up the drill. While this approach can make a profound impact in developing or improving an important personal relationship, it doesn’t require you to know a person well. It will even work with strangers.
“Make someone happy, make just one someone happy, and you will be happy too.”
~ Ending lyrics from the song “Make Someone Happy” popularized by Jimmy Durante.
Pat Iannuzzi of Symbiont Performance Group, Inc. is a performance consultant, trainer and coach focusing on selling, presentation and interpersonal skills. He lives in Litchfield and can be reached at 860-283-9963 or piannuzzi@symbiontnet.com.
